bidoublelg1

why do people you love have to be so fucking cruel? why must i be crucified EVERY DAY for trying to have friends, or make new one's? no, i'm not perfect by any means, but do you have to tell me about ALL my shortcomings EVERY DAY? i'm so very sorry for everything i've ever done to hurt you. deep down i don't think i'm a bad or mean person. yeah, life has given me a pretty bad hand to play sometimes, but i have tried to do the best that i can to please you, and make you happy. guess i have failed on both accounts. i wish things had turned out different for us.. all i ever wanted in life is for someone to truly love me...someone to truly be proud of me...wow, it really, really hurts to say that both will never happen...i am very ashamed at how i have acted towards you, and things i have said to you, but i feel like i am pushed into a corner when we fight and argue, and have to defend myself. i don't know which hurts the most, defending myself, or keeping quiet and just keeping it all in. yeah, what i said about dying in my sleep still is true because i'm so tired of worrying about my health, your health, my finding a job, my getting my disability, where my next check is coming from, how we are going to pay the bills, and you have the nerve to tell me that i don't care about nothing but "my girlfriends", and this stupid computer! i have always heard you tell me that we'd be much better off if i treated "you" the way that i treat "her"...then why won't you let me treat you that way? you won't let me love you. you have never really listened to me. you hear what you think is the truth, and not what i'm saying, and it's just too hard to keep a relationship going when you don't listen. if you truly listened to me someday, you might find out that i'm really not a bad guy after all. not this monster you make me out to be every day. i guess all i can say is, i'm sorry. sorry that your home is clean everyday when you come home. sorry that your dinner is ready every day when you get home. sorry that i "do" worry about everything, every day, and so very sorry that i have tried to have a friend or two. a person can only be hurt so many times in life. i'm not writing this because i want people to read it. i'm writing this because you won't listen long enough for me to tell you this.

I've fooled someone. Cross out what life's begun. It flows like trash. Vile thing that's me. Drowning in my thoughts. Playing in the undertow. I can't be more like me. No matter how hard I try. You didn't even know everything's inside. Pushed as far with nowhere to go. I've stained you, no longer blame you. A wound that still won't heal. Know no other way to feel. Losing is surreal. I'm not forgiving, do you remember me? Your horse so high there is no middle ground. Sheltered panic when I was the one. Found your way though not being bound. I can not forgive. Such an inspiration you'll never be. For life that can't be found. Your everything has abandoned you. There's such a mess you'll not even cry. Pain is every day. No other way to hold. Emptiness too much to bear. They're in your head so it must be. Black has taken over, spilled inside of me.

Blessed are those who just can't wait. Until it's mine, you've proven me. Your stain still mixed inside of fate. No longer one should ever be. Search for life if lonely be. Planted on our way out of thee. Madness curls round the date when emptiness the dealer be. Runaway eyes saw nothing in black. Laughing, screaming, purity is lack. Shredded hearts with double desire. Ache for more than what's on fire. Turning on me the trigger squeezed by desire. Pouring acid like the liar.

give me 1 good reason not to, every move i make is failure, every step for you is gold. I've tried so hard, despair is par. It's started with that, it'll end with why, after then, only few will cry. Smothering me, by my side,  now i can't even feel numb. Something would be so right if not undone. Feel me, pressured you, hate me, pitiful you. Back turned by one,blame not there. Laughter kills by whisper far. How much more to bear, i can't be what you wanted see. Cross out what once was, replaced by what can't be. Feel me, pressured  you, hate me, pitiful you. Forgive me for it's begun, hands of time will not reverse. Against my will, there's no reflection. Tear me open, there is no doubt. Hatred stains me, wants to be me. Feel me, pressured you, hate me, pitiful you.













                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Insecure, I'm drowning in. Fresh start, could not begin. Turning back while we watch, escape is my desire. There's a place where life can't find you. Lack of vision, I see all. Building up this helpless wall. For what I've done, is no regret. For what I feel is Heaven sent. If mercy comes, I pace myself. Too late the change, I can't be blessed. There's a place where life can't find you. Crawling back, I ache for you. I close my eyes, and see no night. Have become a stray, what I see I look away. There's a place where life can't find you. Tears that come , just give up life. Left too dead to understand, all is gone with my hand. There's a place where life can't find you.